In our haste to save the nation...

... take care that we don't destroy it.

The 508 rally was the first political rally that I have ever attended. It was one of the most memorable experience for me. It might be so because it was my first experience; especially one with everyone's morale for change is still high.

Exactly a week ago my family and I (except my brother) went to Bali for our yearly family trip; an annual event inaugurated last year. I left my country with a heavy heart knowing that I am not able to do a part for my country in what I was expecting to be a grand history making of Malaysia. The thought that I will not be able to stand proud and say I voted saddened me throughout the trip.

If you ask me if I enjoyed the trip, well no I did not. Partially because maybe Bali isn't really a good place for a family trip with parents and a kid with me in between the age gap alone. But mostly because of the election that was about to take place. In my helplessness, I turned into a kid and whine about it.

Then came the infamous GE-13 and we all know what happened. Fair or fraud, like it or not, we lost. A fusion of mixed feelings, both anger and despair swept across our nation. Curses and swears are thrown around like a barrage of arrows across the cyber space.

Nonetheless, Teresa Kok won by a mile and as a consolation, my vote would have been technically redundant (but not in spirit). That helped me got over it. And the fact that the "indelible" ink can be easily removed was used has saved me from feeling left out with stainless index finger.

  This little fella can be too cute at times. 

Coming back to the rally last night. The stadium was meat packed. It was like a metal rock concert without metal music with no chance of hitting ground if a stage dive is performed. Everyone was wearing black. Instead of heart pounding drum beats, there was a continuous blowing of the vuvuzela from across the stadium and we mostly can't hear much.

It was exhausting and I screamed like I've never screamed before. I didn't feel hungry until it was over. I skipped lunch yesterday and only had a few buns during tea break and I lasted until night. Although it was exhausting, more introspection was induced. I was expecting a crowd that is ain't too promising because I felt discouraged myself with that outcome of the election result. But obviously I was wrong. The crowd showed me that we don't back down easily.

However, the introspection started when I came across this article:
A final embrace

There's curse in bloodshed.. But sometimes there is power.. This photo is indeed disturbing but it moved me.
There blood from the man's eye were like tears. Well he ain't no Christ and his blood wasn't shed for me. But it reminded me of Christ.

Then came the part where I think about how I disputed Bangladeshis. I hated their presence. I imagine in my head letting loose a rail gunfire upon the mass number of them. I think i even said that out loud in a random conversation. I had no love for them.

Their presence indeed post a threat to our nation's strive for a better government. But they are only human no less than me trying to make a living on this face of the earth. What has gotten into me that I would give up humanity to hate them. I didn't hate them because of their skin color. I simply hated them because they are here.

"We are not a number" . They are created and loved by God just the same. And they are here because they don't have a choice.  What further convicted me was when I was having my dinner. The foreign worker working there ,Burmese or Bangladeshi , I can't tell but unimportant. I heard him singing the song that is played over and over again on tv; the song that goes "Terima Kasih, ku ucapkan pada mu..." while mopping the floor that we arrogantly walk on. It occurred to me that they might truly be grateful for having a chance to work and earn a living here in Malaysia. It is only unfortunate that the ones that are giving them this chance is the government that we have, BN, and they intend to use them for their own ill intentions.

And I thought to myself could we have been so easily manipulated if we were them? Then I remembered a posts on fb by some grateful Malaysians thanking the Japan government for giving them free education while our own government couldn't. It then further occurred to me that we are equally as manipulable; only on a different level.

For that, I am deeply sorry.

And then there are few more political related articles that I read and it was a little too informative for me to digest. The Corridors of Power. Politicians pulling the strings like this is a game.
"Azmin slams Pakatan".. another food for thought.

I may not understand political scenarios that well. But we have a mandate to not only help bring awareness and unity. We also have a mandate to spread the love of God.
If I have lost my sense of humanity, then what is the point of fighting for a better future.

God bless Malaysia.

Tear & Wear

".. And You laid down your life to set me free.."

Nothing bring tears to my eyes quicker than hearing and being reminded that He DIED to free us. To free Me. No onions can top this.

Being able to cry to the Lord is the most liberating. Let not my heart be hardened that even the Grace of God could not reach me. This is my prayer. 

Workload is getting heavier, doubly so since my senior colleague has been transferred away. And I had my interim appraisal session today. The HR and my boss both expressed of how pleased they are with my performance so far. This ought to be a norm and a habitual practice being a Christian but I guess I've always forgotten to praise the Lord. Hence, All Glory to our God. 

I had a doubts about my current job. Doubt of whether I'd like the job and whether would I stay for long. I left my first job after 3months. Indeed I like my current job at first but I still doubt because I might be liking it because I just got here. But more than 3 months has passed and I proved myself wrong. I still do like my job. Thank God for providing me with a great job and may my work and labor be a praise unto Him and glorifies Him. 

random picture is random

wants..

Words are only doodles if they mean nothing to you.

They can heal ... at the same time kill...

Say too much can bring you harm but if you say nothing and you might as well live in a farm.

The core of actual Buddhist's teaching is centered around serenity and peace and without Wants.

Monks meditate to get rid of desires.. What do we have to say for ourselves then.. well.. The Lord is our shepherd and we shall not be in want.. that pretty much says it all..

It's because we are always wanting stuff.. it's because we Want, hence the devil has something to Give. 

It's when we want, which creates a foothold for predicaments.

I am sad. I've forgotten about feeling sad. There's nothing wrong with feeling sad. It's an emotion. 

Maybe it's because that I've forgotten about sadness that I turn to anger. Maybe that is why I'm always angry all the time, upset at people. frustrated at things. I believe I haven't expressed sadness for some time now. 

What am I really? What do I have to do to make life on earth a little more worthwhile. I came across something that made me think..it's some part of a lyrics i think.. it goes like "she loves him more than he would ever know, he loves her more than he would ever show"... what a sad line.. what could have possibly happened for her to love him more than he'll ever know.. because the guy didn't care enough to notice maybe? and he loves her more than he would ever show? because he loves her but not enough to show it maybe? I don't know the song and my interpretation of that line probably didn't even come close to what it actually meant. But that's not the point. The point is that it made me Think.

But If that is what I say it to be, then this guy doesn't know what he's losing. And I don't want to be that guy. 

Hence I want to notice and treasure every bit of love I can get. And I want to show my love a little more than I had. And with this in mind, I thought I was heading the right direction. But the world is never enough, it will never be. There is always something that is missing. No matter what good you do, your wrong will always bring a much better contrast. 

Friend I've known for half a lifetime can blame you over wet letters, favor means nothing when you don't do it right. It's just another spinoff from "if you can't score a 100.. don't bother getting 90"... Focused on how i failed to deliver something I promised but failing to see why I am here to fail in the first place... Girlfriend getting mad at me over something i failed to say.. missing out on the bigger picture of why we're having that conversation in the first place, which was to share my life as it is.. the things that are going on with me right there and then. 

"What have I done wrong".. this is one of the most frequently asked question isn't it.. but most of the time we ask it in our head for the sake of asking but not to look for an answer.. Well I did today. What have I done that has me into that argument today. I was wrongfully accused of ignoring a question. But if I haven't done that of which I was accused of.. then what happened.. and what could I have done to avoid that. Well of course there's something I could do. I could have just named each an everyone of them and do exactly as I was asked. Just like how I could have just do what I was told and go collect the letters everyday.. 

If there is a higher power in a physical form on earth to judge and this is the sentence passed, then I guess what I should be sorry for is to be human. 

It would seem like we're still in the same place. Still arguing over something that I failed to answer.. Is it really me? Have I not become a better person in any way? Did I not change at all since we first encounter a problem like this..Am I that stubborn a man? 

I paused to think. The first time we argued over something like this, I was in the clinic bringing my aunt for checkup. I really did missed the question. I think that was made clear to me that I should pay attention. Then we argued over putting a name to a person when asked. I think i did just that too. You want to know the people i work with, I took that chance for you to meet some of my colleagues.. I paid 80 bucks for both of us just so you know. You mention to me before that it's my duty to make you feel safe by giving you assurance that I will always be yours. I think I did just that. But it's never enough is it.. But when I say this, I'll be accused of saying general things like "it's never enough for you" without facts to back it up.. But when I come up with facts..I'll be accused of keeping score instead. You fixate on how I get angry more often how my fuse is shorter than before but you fail to see the man that I've become and wanting to be. 

Even little things like my diet. I am not a vegetarian.. You see how you dislike what I normally eat and ask me why but you fail to see that maybe I'm saving for extra so that I can spend on you?  You only think of how you hate questions go unanswered but you do not think of the importance of your question. or what your question implies even if you don't mean it. You never thought of maybe what you wanna know isn't that important compared to what harm it might bring to the relationship.. 

Maybe I think too much.. that's why I'm always tired.. plus the workload. I'm physically and mentally drained. Maybe you've never given it much thought of how taxing it is having to stuck in traffic jams day in day out..well yeah everyone else is in the same situation and there's no way out of it.. why should I be treated any different just because I'm one of them. The world doesn't care. That is why we seek it from the people we love..hoping that they would understand when nobody else do. 

What do I want? maybe that is the question I should Stop asking instead. Because I shouldn't Want. I wouldn't get angry if I didn't want to be justified. I wouldn't be sad if I never wanted to be happy.. The world will be a safer place if people stop wanting. 

2013 !!

The world lives another year...

It's a time when many things start anew; when new calenders are flipped to the first month. 

New resolutions are being made. New diaries are given out. New sales target to achieve. New students going to schools. 

Speaking of diaries.. I have New York's diary.. I mean a new, York's diary, and it's really nice. hahah

Anyway, it's a new year and the world has something to rejoice about again.
There's fireworks. parties, holidays and stuff.. But to me it's just another day like any other festivity.
Only yesterday Derick and I were hanging out and we talked about one of our new year's countdown experience back in those days when we're still schooling. We went to Sungai Wang that year and the streets were packed with human beings that appeared from nowhere.. hahah.. it was so crowded that 5 or 6 of us lost each other in the crowd.. I can't think of anything fun going to places like these.. With mad people spraying foams around.. Local chinese artists singing God Ah Beng knows what.. We didn't like that experience a single bit and that was the last.

In our conversation, i asked why on earth these people are still going to places like this year in year out.. and Derick said it's a phase.. and we lived past it.. hahah.. but the way I see it.. there are many grown ass adults that are much older than us attending these events.. are they Stuck in the phase? Lol.. there's no right answer to that.. only more questions.. makes me wonder if living past the phases of life quickly is actually a good thing..

But we discovered something that will never be a Phase in life.. and that's FIREWORKS..
No matter how damn old you are or think you are.. You will stop and stare.. even for few seconds.. Even DARTH VADER stopped and stared at the fireworks in Disneyland!.. lol
Anyway, my new year wasn't an eventful one but it was nice in its own way.. I get to have dinner with my family.. Counted down with Derick at mamak stall.. hahah..

Ah well.. it's a new year.. we'll live to see Mickey Mouse wield a lightsaber afterall.. hahah..
People make resolutions every year and forget them.. Some resolutions are met.. some are not.. some only lasted for a day even.. I'm guilty of those charges.. all these made me skeptical and pessimistic.. I don't make resolutions any more and even mock at people who believe in resolutions.

That obviously isn't healthy for a anyone with a healthy set of mind. Maybe for once I should make a list and try to achieve as many as possible. Maybe then the next new year wouldn't feel the same..

As for short term bucket list.. here's one to be added to the list.. Fish Meehoon.. Hehe.. I'll bring you there when you're done with finals..

And I thought was the one with weird ideas when it comes to food.. Guess someone took that challenge.. Fine.. you win.. lol

This year is gonna be a whole different year altogether... I'd have worked for a full year by the end of 2013 and taxed.. it's gonna be a year without hanging out with Wing Yew.. Adonis will be back soon though.. so for now hanging out will just be Derick and I.. haha.. speaking of new year.. I really gotta sleep early and wake up early tomorrow.. cuz schools are back and traffic will be hellish.. 

A toast to the new year and a whole lot of other awesome stuffs to come.. 

Blessed new year my darling.. May we have many more together <3.. though we didn't get to spend the new year together this time.. but we will! =)