They can heal ... at the same time kill...
Say too much can bring you harm but if you say nothing and you might as well live in a farm.
The core of actual Buddhist's teaching is centered around serenity and peace and without Wants.
Monks meditate to get rid of desires.. What do we have to say for ourselves then.. well.. The Lord is our shepherd and we shall not be in want.. that pretty much says it all..
It's because we are always wanting stuff.. it's because we Want, hence the devil has something to Give.
It's when we want, which creates a foothold for predicaments.
I am sad. I've forgotten about feeling sad. There's nothing wrong with feeling sad. It's an emotion.
Maybe it's because that I've forgotten about sadness that I turn to anger. Maybe that is why I'm always angry all the time, upset at people. frustrated at things. I believe I haven't expressed sadness for some time now.
What am I really? What do I have to do to make life on earth a little more worthwhile. I came across something that made me think..it's some part of a lyrics i think.. it goes like "she loves him more than he would ever know, he loves her more than he would ever show"... what a sad line.. what could have possibly happened for her to love him more than he'll ever know.. because the guy didn't care enough to notice maybe? and he loves her more than he would ever show? because he loves her but not enough to show it maybe? I don't know the song and my interpretation of that line probably didn't even come close to what it actually meant. But that's not the point. The point is that it made me Think.
But If that is what I say it to be, then this guy doesn't know what he's losing. And I don't want to be that guy.
Hence I want to notice and treasure every bit of love I can get. And I want to show my love a little more than I had. And with this in mind, I thought I was heading the right direction. But the world is never enough, it will never be. There is always something that is missing. No matter what good you do, your wrong will always bring a much better contrast.
Friend I've known for half a lifetime can blame you over wet letters, favor means nothing when you don't do it right. It's just another spinoff from "if you can't score a 100.. don't bother getting 90"... Focused on how i failed to deliver something I promised but failing to see why I am here to fail in the first place... Girlfriend getting mad at me over something i failed to say.. missing out on the bigger picture of why we're having that conversation in the first place, which was to share my life as it is.. the things that are going on with me right there and then.
"What have I done wrong".. this is one of the most frequently asked question isn't it.. but most of the time we ask it in our head for the sake of asking but not to look for an answer.. Well I did today. What have I done that has me into that argument today. I was wrongfully accused of ignoring a question. But if I haven't done that of which I was accused of.. then what happened.. and what could I have done to avoid that. Well of course there's something I could do. I could have just named each an everyone of them and do exactly as I was asked. Just like how I could have just do what I was told and go collect the letters everyday..
If there is a higher power in a physical form on earth to judge and this is the sentence passed, then I guess what I should be sorry for is to be human.
It would seem like we're still in the same place. Still arguing over something that I failed to answer.. Is it really me? Have I not become a better person in any way? Did I not change at all since we first encounter a problem like this..Am I that stubborn a man?
I paused to think. The first time we argued over something like this, I was in the clinic bringing my aunt for checkup. I really did missed the question. I think that was made clear to me that I should pay attention. Then we argued over putting a name to a person when asked. I think i did just that too. You want to know the people i work with, I took that chance for you to meet some of my colleagues.. I paid 80 bucks for both of us just so you know. You mention to me before that it's my duty to make you feel safe by giving you assurance that I will always be yours. I think I did just that. But it's never enough is it.. But when I say this, I'll be accused of saying general things like "it's never enough for you" without facts to back it up.. But when I come up with facts..I'll be accused of keeping score instead. You fixate on how I get angry more often how my fuse is shorter than before but you fail to see the man that I've become and wanting to be.
Even little things like my diet. I am not a vegetarian.. You see how you dislike what I normally eat and ask me why but you fail to see that maybe I'm saving for extra so that I can spend on you? You only think of how you hate questions go unanswered but you do not think of the importance of your question. or what your question implies even if you don't mean it. You never thought of maybe what you wanna know isn't that important compared to what harm it might bring to the relationship..
Maybe I think too much.. that's why I'm always tired.. plus the workload. I'm physically and mentally drained. Maybe you've never given it much thought of how taxing it is having to stuck in traffic jams day in day out..well yeah everyone else is in the same situation and there's no way out of it.. why should I be treated any different just because I'm one of them. The world doesn't care. That is why we seek it from the people we love..hoping that they would understand when nobody else do.
What do I want? maybe that is the question I should Stop asking instead. Because I shouldn't Want. I wouldn't get angry if I didn't want to be justified. I wouldn't be sad if I never wanted to be happy.. The world will be a safer place if people stop wanting.
No comments:
Post a Comment