Blank sheets where once scribbled with lovey dovey endearments are now stripes of vertical and horizontal strikes of scores. An archive of love now an account of transgression.. A dartboard of bullseye challenge.
How did we end up like this?
I thought we built a strong foundation.
How did I let this happen?
How did I let a love that took so long to build be ruined in days?
Is it worth to let these minor disagreements to get in the way of our friendship and love.. A lifelong commitment that is worth every bit of us to hold on to.
We used to think alike, our speech synchronized.
Having to speak in past tenses now hurts me.
There really is no point in pointing fingers. Not now not ever.
How did i become so judgmental?
I do not want us to end like this.
I want us to end when we both have a head full of grey hair. (tho mine seems rather soon, not my point); in our dying bed; surrounded with beautiful children.
I love you.
You inspired love. You reminded me of love.
I know it took me long enough to write this.
I am a slow learner and evidently not a good keeper of promise.
I didn't mean to let you go. This will sound off like a total excuse and putting myself in your place, even I would tell me to try again.. But the fact is that I really thought you went out to get lunch cuz I was starving and given that situation I really thought you were just going to grab a bite without me and I was in my rebellious mode thinking "fine.. even if you asked I wouldn't wanna go". I didn't say this because even I wouldn't believe that pile of bullshit if I were you in that circumstance.
There was nothing I could say in my defense of my action (or the lack of it). As little did I realize, I did break my promise. When you reach for your knife, I don't know what else I could say to stop you. The mixed feelings of rebellion and self-pity pinned me to the ground from getting into another tug of war in trying to stop you physically. I wanted to put all the blame on you. But given my history and failure in the past I have nobody but myself to blame. And I believe the feeling is mutual.
We made promises to each other which intended for good but left us with no room for errors, presenting ourselves with legalized pressure that created unnecessary tension between us.
This is not me finding a way out simply because our endeavor failed. Yes. I failed to keep my promise. Does this mean that I can no longer love you? We have both failed to keep our promises, not only with each other but the ones we made with God.
What good is a promise made to hold you down if I do not love you; and for what good is a promise when I love you and simply would hold on to you eventually just to keep you with me. And if I fail to do so, I'm simply failing as a human.
I want our love my dear.
While this space and distance is necessary, I want us to be together.
I want to give us room to say '' I Miss You" again.. I want nurture that feeling of missing you into something permanent that cannot be described with mere words that we simply have to be together when we finally do.
I do not know why you removed your blog. I hope you haven't given up on me yet.
Please forgive me.
I love you and I miss you.
Let me be your soulmate once again like you are mine.
